Now there was a mysterious and widely known fable told to the mini-muffins in Drury lane. The legend of the Muffin Man. “ He is a tall, sturdy, and tidy looking human with a golden smile brighter than the sun.” Plump muffin mamas woulld tell they’re two mini muffins. “ He’s a kind, powerful man and he can grant you anything you desire if you have a heart of gold.” Muffin Momas would say. This story continued to be passed along through the generations of muffin famillies, although the Muffin Man was never seen. Soon the legend withered, and the muffins, even the mini ones, lost faith in the beautiful vision of the Muffin Man who keeps their lives oh so perfect.
Then there was Muffen. He was born into a perfect family, as every mini muffin was: a moma muffin, a popa muffin, and a mini sister muffin. He was raised like all of the rest of his mini muffin friends, and knew one day he’d find a fluffy young muffin girl suitable to make a perfect muffin family in perfect white little muffin home.
But when Muffen’s adolescent muffin friends began oogling at the sweet and curvy dough of the muffin gals, he couldn’t help but stare at the thick, buckweat, butter drenched muffin guys. His friends assured him it was just a phase of muffindom, but his attractions grew. Soon all of is muffin friends shied away in fear, and Muffen was left alone. Utterly and completely alone. His moma an popa were becoming frusturated with his insistence that he was “different”. His perfect muffin sister was soon to get married, so they decided to ignore him and plan his perfect muffin sister’s wedding instead.
So Muffen, feeling stale and accepting being a complete rejected muffin, sat tiredly on his perfectly clean curb.
“Hey, are you okay?” He heard a young muffin guy voice. He looked up. It was love at first sight. This young muffin guy was slender and firm, drenched in butter from jogging, and filled with a beautiful shade of buckwheat blend.
Muffen stammered “Y-yes...” He suddenly felt like he could tell this guy muffin everything. “I can just get so tired of people wanting me to be the same as everyone else.” He said.
He was completely ready for rejection from such a finely baked muffin.
“Totally!” The muffin guy replied, as he smiled an adorable crooked smile. “ Drury lane is dull! I wish they’d let muffins like us change it up a bit.” he said. “By the way, I’m Moofin.” Mufen could swear he saw a halo over Moofin’s shiny and buttered head. He just smiled in reply. Moofin smiled back.
They began spending more and more time togetether, discussing what they would do if they could change Drury lane.
“All I know is that I’m going to tell my children that being different is a good thing.” Moofin said.
Muffen stared at him. “Your going to have children?” He asked, suddenly worried.
Moofin laughed. “Yea, it’d be great.” He said.
Muffen felt stale. He knew that Moofin was too much of a dream come true. Now he knew, Moofin would grow up, find a nice muffin gal, and have two muffin children.
Moofin continued speaking. “ The only problem with having children is that I’ll have to, y’know, marry a muffin gal.” Moofin sighed. “They’re nice and all, but I just can’t relate to them, y’know?” He said.
Muffen perked up. “I agree. I think guy muffins are much cooler.” He said suggestively.
Moofin smiled. “Me too.”
From that day on they saw eachother several times a day. Muffen didn’t have to worry about his muffin moma asking him where he was going, because she was extremely wrapped up in his muffin sister’s wedding. Moofins parents didn’t care for him, because he was too different, so they let him do whatever he wanted. This way, the two began meeting every day, and began to realize they were falling in love. When they’re parents found out, they were kicked out of their homes.
Both of them had no regret on their descision to be together, even if it meant their families rejecting them.
In desperate need of a home, the two of them got small jobs as waiters and bought a perfect white house and lived a simple life together. In order to make a change, they painted their house blue, and dressed in crazy colored wrappings. They also held hands in public, making muffins stare and mini muffins giggle. It caused quite a ruckus from the neighbors who swore them off as too-different-for-comfort’. Both of them enjoyed making changes and being individuals. They thought their lives were perfect: they had a unique life together, and they were deeply in love.
But something was troubling them both. One night they both crawled in bed and began talking to eachother about their troubles.
Muffen began first. “Our lives are perfect, Wheaty-kins. I’m in love with you, your in love with me, and we have our lives together... Then why do I feel so sad?” He asked.
Moofin thought for a little bit. Muffen always loved how Moofin was the deep thinker, always coming up with ideas.
“ I think I know why!” Exclaimed Moofin.
He scooted closer to Muffen, and they smiled like two giggly muffin girls at a sleep over.
“ We’re different and we love it, but we know that as soon as we grow old together, we’re going to dry up. And when we do, this house will be bought by another normal family, be painted back to white, and we’ll be forgotten. I think we both know that Drury lane is doomed to normalness!!” Moofin exclaimed.
They both screamed like little school girls. “ A gay muffin won’t feel he can express himself!!” Muffen hollered angrily. “ And he’ll marry a muffin gal and dry up as a sad, old muffin! How awful!” He cried.
“All muffins need to be able to express their individuality!” Moofin cried back.
They were silent.
“But how can we change Drury lane?” Asked Muffen.
Moofin thought again. His face brightened. “ Mini Muffins!” He said. “If you teach mini muffins that change is good, they’ll listen, and pass it on.”
Muffen liked the idea, but saw many problems. “We can’t tell other muffin’s children, because they won’t listen to us. Mini muffins listen to their parents.” He said.
“I know, I know.” Moofin said hurriedly. “We need children of our own.” He said.
Muffen stared at him. “ Wheaty-kins, we can’t have children.” Moofin laughed. “We’ll adopt.” He said simply. “ Some muffin momas have two boys and one girl or two girls and one boy by mistake, so they put one up for adoption. We’ll go adopt two mini muffins!” He said simply.
“Shibby idea Wheaty-kins!” Proclaimed Muffen.
So the next day, Muffen and Moofin got out of work early and headed to the adoption center far down Drury lane.
“We’d like to sign up for adoption.” Muffen said to the blueberry muffin lady at the counter.
“ Yes sir, where’s the mother, I’d like her signature.” The secretary muffin said dutifully.
“No, ma’am, the two of us would like to adopt one.” Muffen took Moofin’s hand.
She stared at them. The blueberries on the top of her head turned darker blue. “ Are you kidding?” She asked, amused.
They looked at eachother, then back at her. “ No.” They said in unison.
The muffin lady spoke slowly. “ Your two guy muffins... I’m not going to even ask about that. Either way, mini muffins need a mother to care for them.” She said. “ I would know. They don’t need two fathers. I bet you two shmoes don’t even have college degrees.” She said.
They shook their head, slightly ashamed. They had dropped out after highschool and went straight to waitering.
“ Now get out before I call the manager on you two.” She snapped.
They ran out as fast as they could, angry, defeated and depressed.
That night they crawled into bed together, and held eachother for hours. Muffen cried on Moofin’s shoulder the whole night.
“ We just wanted to teach individuality. Now Drury lane will be doomed to dullness forever. Oh Moofin, think of all the poor mini muffins who will have to hide their true selves.” He sobbed.
This time, no matter how much Moofin thought he had no ideas on how to get children. He felt awful not being able to comfort Muffen.
That night they fell asleep uneasily.
In the middle of the night, Muffen was awakened by a small glow. He sat up. It was coming from his window. He headed towards the backyard to see what was making such an annoying light. He opened the door, and was suddenly overwhelmed by a blinding light. He squinted and looked up. There was a tall, sturdy, glowing man with the smile that soaked up all of Muffen’s deppresion in an instant. He inspected the man. He had a beautifully clean white suit, and on the corner of his pocket were the words “ The Muffin Man” in gold stitching.
Muffen almost fell over. It was the muffin man. The one he’d heard about when he was a mini muffin. The wonderous Muffin Man was stainding in his backyard.
Muffen just stared at the Muffin Man.
Moofin got up, wondering where Muffen was. He walked towards the light at the door tiredly.
He began grumbling “What’re you doing up, Muff-” He stopped. He stared quietly at the Muffin Man.
Neighbors began stepping out of their homes and screaming for their families to come out and see the Muffin Man while they still could.
“ Muffen.” the Muffin Man boomed. His voice was strong, but still sweet. “ You are the one I’ve been waiting for for thousands of years. The selfless one who thinks only about the future and mini-muffins of Drury lane. Who worries about others suffering, and craves to improve the lives of others. The Muffin with the heart of gold.” the Muffin Man said smoothly.
Muffen was silent, flatterred and confused.
“ Hey what about me, you wanker!” Moofin frowned. “ Am I like the sidekick? I-” Muffen grabbed Moofin.
“Quiet Moofin! This is The Muffin Man! He’s here to help us, I think...” Muffen smiled timidly at the Muffin Man.
The Muffin Man smiled back “ I am here to help you, Muffen. You think so much about others, I’d like to grant you one wish. I want to grant you a wish that gives you happiness.” The Muffin Man said.
Muffen didn’t hesitate. “ I want mini muffins!! Mini muffins that me and Moofin can raise together!” He exclaimed.
Moofin smiled and hugged Muffen. “Good choice.” he said. The Muffin Man smiled. “ You will be a great father, Muffen.” He said noblely.
Moofin crossed his arms.
The Muffin Man sighed. “You will too Moofin.” He laughed.
Out of nowhere, The Muffin Man dissapeared, leaving a few sparks where he had been.
The many neighbors were silent. So were Muffen and Moofin. Drury lane was dead silent.
There was a cry. Then another. It was coming from Moofin and Muffen’s house. They ran inside. In ther bedroom were two cribs, holding two baby muffins, a boy and a girl. They had Moofins color, and Muffens eyes. They were theirs.
Moofin and Muffen raised their mini muffins amazingly. The mini muffins found their own individual styles, and other mini muffins began to notice and make thier own styles as well. And when that generation bought homes, they began painting their homes different colors, and making them different sizes for their different sized families.
Most importantly, people weren’t scared to be who they were.
So Muffen and Moofin dried out and died as a happy couple, knowing that Drury lane now accepted individuality.
And the legend of the Muffin Man became fired up again, because he was seen by so many of Moofin and Muffen’s neighbors.
If you go to Drury lane today, you should head to the elementary school playground. For in the playground, Muffen and Moofin’s descendants will sit other mini muffins down in the four square court, ready to tell them the story of their great ancestors and The Muffin Man. They will look around coyly, smile and say “ So, do you know The Muffin Man?”